Lessons of Our Father (2024)

My dad passed away in May 2020. As I stumble through this life, his lessons reveal themselves unexpectedly.  

Amid what promises to be another contentious and vicious presidential election, I am reminded of my father’s love for his country. As a young man, he graduated from Frederick High School with nothing more than the promise of the draft before him. Desiring some choice over his manifested destiny, he joined the United States Navy. If he had to go to war, he wanted to see some of the world along the way.  

While fighting a war abroad, his country found itself at an inflection point. Decades of racial, economic, gender, and class-based unrest were morphing into societal upheaval. Add assassinations and an unpopular war to the mix, and the country must have felt like a powder keg ready to explode at any moment.  

Returning to American shores, my father was spit on and called a baby killer. As I grew older, my father would tell me stories about the impossible choices he was forced to make in Vietnam. Stories about killing citizens with bombs hidden underneath their clothes, and a harrowing tale of how he survived captivity, both dazzled and frightened me. Those choices haunted him. The lack of understanding and acceptance by his fellow citizens only compounded the nightmares.  

My dad never definitively stated his opinion about Vietnam and the war we waged there. As a younger man, he was more progressive, experienced enough bloodshed, and saw enough friends die. I assumed he leaned toward feelings of the war being a waste of our nation’s treasure. As he grew older, my dad grew more conservative. I watched him rethink and process those original stances.  

Despite the dissonance, my father demanded we stand and salute the flag during the National Anthem. Talking or goofing around during this display of patriotism would make him furious. Reflecting on those moments, I assume my father reconciled his past and decided that despite the faults of his nation, he would love it with all his might. He was determined to instill patriotism into his boys.  

Now, my father is gone, and I struggle to love my country. I have written these words before, but I think they are worth repeating here. Beyond some words etched into our constitution, there is no evidence that we are the best country in the world.  

We lead the world in the following categories: highest incarceration rate, the world’s largest prison population, highest percentage of obese people in the world, highest divorce rate, highest rate of illegal drug use, highest rate of car thefts, highest rate of reported rapes, highest rate of reported murders, the world’s largest police force, most money spent on healthcare as it relates to our gross domestic product, more student loan debt, largest national debt, the world’s most complicated tax system, and a government that spends seven times more on our military than any other country in the world.  

I look at the data and I don’t see a great country. I look at our divisions, our leaders, and see no solutions, saviors, or grand reckonings on the horizon. I look in the mirror and wonder, how much more of this can I take. Then, before succumbing to dread, I am reminded of the lessons of my father. I think of my version of patriotism.  

My patriotism manifests itself in the work I do. Every day, my patriotism reveals itself in a pursuit to undo decades of housing injustice. My patriotism can be found in my volunteer work. It makes itself known in my attempts to build community. It can be witnessed with every petition, protest, or exercise of my basic liberties. My patriotism is about rising above cynicism and selfishness.  

Nothing I am doing will ward off the fall of this empire, but it will be known for eternity that I did my best to stave off the inevitable. That’s how I honor my father’s legacy, and that’s how I honor my version of patriotism.  

Be good to each other,  

Nathan  

A Hospital Bed in Oklahoma City

On the eve of a great adventure.  

On the eve of our final Christmas together.  

On the eve of being released...  

He was near the end.  

A violent fight was drawing to a close.  

I folded the map in half and headed east.  

Plane, landing gears, touchdown, ICU.  

He looked at peace; a man tired of the war.  

There was a glimmer of hope.  

Critical is what they called the next few hours.  

I steadied myself. I attempted to do the same for my family.  

A holiday defined by a week-long hospital stay.  

Each day saw small wins.  

Hope hung thick in the air.  

He survived this round, but the damage was done.  

Be good to each other,  

Nathan  

Poems for My Family: Dad

Two unique lives sharing a space in time.  

Countless milestones and victories celebrated together.  

My first steps on this planet.   

You begin a brand-new job and an opportunity to provide for your family.  

My first words were spoken with hurried excitement.  

You welcome two more sons into our home.  

My adoption of you as my dad.  

You adopt me as your son.  

My first day of college and all that means.  

You are a retired man.  

Two unique lives sharing a space in time.  

Countless milestones and heartbreaks lived through together.  

My first heartbreak.  

You share wisdom gained from personal experience.  

My confrontation with the trials of adulthood.  

You are bravely battling cancer.  

My guilt as we buried my brother.  

You face guilt as you buried a son.  

My sense of sadness and loss as we said a last goodbye to you.  

You say goodbye to this world.  

Two unique lives sharing a space in time.  

Countless milestones, victories, and heartbreaks for me to live through.  

My simple wish is you could be here to share a few more.  

My dream of chasing meaningful work.  

My marriage to the partner of my dreams  

My journeys around the globe.  

My final chapter.  

A single unique life holding a space in time.  

Countless milestones, victories, and heartbreaks for me to live through.  

Be good to each other,  

Nathan  

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Lessons of Our Fathers (2021)

I fundamentally believe in the power of community. Working in the nonprofit field, I bear witness to it every day. Instead of publishing an annual letter to my dad, who I miss dearly, I want to rally my community to collect stories focused on lessons shared by our fathers.  

These lessons can come in the form of a story, a quote you cannot shake, or something you witnessed. Ultimately, I am searching for powerful and positive examples of fatherhood. I also know not everyone grew up with a father figure in the home. If a stepdad, uncle, teacher, or mentor filled the role for you, please do not exclude yourself from this project. I want to hear from you.  

To add your story to this post, please email natetheworld@gmail.com. Include “Lessons of Our Fathers” in the subject line.  If you want to include a picture, please do so!

My Real Dad by Nathan H. Box  

For me, fatherhood can be measured by presence. It is working extra hours to buy your son a brand new bike. It coaching your son’s little league team. It is constructing a playhouse and pouring concrete for a basketball goal. It is hours spent watching plays and driving across the state to watch your son compete in competitive speech. It is long talks around the kitchen table about war, California, and obligations. It is the pride you feel watching your son walk across a graduation stage. It is accepting your son without reservations and investing in his life. Fatherhood is about being present and actively engaged. Eldon Box is the only father I have ever known. He didn’t bring me into this world, but he left me in it a better and more complete man.  

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Lessons of Our Father

On a daily basis, almost without fail, I write. In a world filled with noise and endless distraction, I find refuge in a blank, white computer screen and the flickering thought of what might come next. It is my way of processing the world and what I experience. Most of the time, this means thinking deeply about the entertainment I digest, the books I read, places I travel, and the food I eat. At other times, this can mean sharing lessons learned from moments both big and small. What I write has always been part journal and part musings from a partially examined life. I have always chosen to share my thoughts in the hopes of starting a dialogue.

With this understanding, this piece is for my dad. Losing your father is a monumental experience. It deserves attention. It deserves examination. In my mind, as a writer, I think it deserves to be shared. To experience such an event is natural. It is meant to be the order of things. If things progress naturally, it will happen to all of us.

If we are honest with ourselves, we understand our names will not ring for eternity. If we are lucky, our names will last a few generations. With each passing iteration of family and friends, the light containing our name will flicker until it is no more. One day, who said or did what will be lost to time. This does not mean our time on this planet does not matter. On the contrary, it gives purpose to the time we do have. While we have a better chance of winning the lottery than being the next Caesar, Lincoln, or King, we should still strive for greatness, small acts which can cause ripples throughout time and space, and small gestures of selflessness that can make a world of difference.

When I examine the legacy of Eldon Box, my father, I do not see a man who will be remembered forever. Yet, I see a man whose ideals will stand the test of time. What he stood for will last longer than his name. If he were sitting here today, I can imagine him saying, “Such a truth is more than fine by me.”

Those ideals are important, and they are lessons instilled deep within me. Now, if you will indulge me, I would like to share some of his most concrete and foundational teachings.

Any man can father a child, but being a dad is much more powerful. Dads show up. They teach. They correct. They show their softer side without fear. They model behavior. They provide. They empower. They do not stand in the way of their partner. They let them shine brightly. They forgive. They learn. They adapt. They provide unconditional love. They hope to build better versions of themselves. They celebrate and they console. They share and they give. They know themselves. They are gentle. They are loving. They are supportive. They are men we should choose to emulate.

Patriotism comes in many forms. For some, it means service in the military. For others, service can come in the form of nonprofit work, volunteerism, politics, and/or advocacy. This grand American experiment demands active participation from us all. We should focus less on winning and scoring points for our side. Instead, we should be solely focused on perfecting our slice of this union for those who follow in our footsteps.

Our families should come first. We have an obligation to those most immediately standing in our circle of influence. Our families deserve selflessness and presence. They deserve the best of ourselves. They deserve to know we are not superheroes, but flawed vessels still working toward something better. They deserve a name filled with pride and power. They deserve to know power comes in many forms, but outward power focused on making the world a better place is a power worthy of our pursuit. Again, they deserve love.

Our friends deserve kindness, forgiveness, and generosity. Our friends deserve hours lost to laughter. They deserve shoulders to cry on when the world gets tough. They deserve the shirt off our backs. They deserve time and patience. They deserve us showing up when needed. They deserve to feel like family.

These are lessons taught by my father that I will never forget. These lessons are also only the tip of an exceptionally large iceberg. Underneath the water’s surface, there are countless others. Many of these lessons have yet to reveal themselves to me and will only be uncovered with the passing of time. I am confident many of them will come to me with the force of a tsunami. They will find me in the strangest places, and they will find me when I need them the most.

If this is what we aspire to in our interactions with our children, our partner, our country, and our families, then our nameless legacy will be much stronger. The world may not remember us, but our actions can contribute to a universal sense of truth.

Eldon, dad, I thank you for the lessons. I am a better man, citizen, partner, friend, and family member because of them. I and all who knew you are the personification of your legacy. I cannot promise a name etched in stone. I can only promise a continuation of the ripples you made with the examples you provided. Your name will not be remembered forever, but those things you held dear will stand the test of time.

Be good to each other,

Nathan 

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Modern Manhood, Part IV "To Be A Father"

Again, I am no expert. I have no children of my own and no real desire to see what a little version of myself looks like. I am a son, though. I have also had the honor of being present as my stepdad stepped forward to be the man I needed. For 30 years, I have been proud to call myself his son. In that time, I have learned the following. 

Modern manhood is about work, and only your best, but not for yourself, for someone much more important. Here, I am not just talking about your job. Your job should be about fulfilling your aspirations. It should also be about providing and/or creating a home for your family. The work I am referring to is about being present. It is about passing along the best of yourself to your children. It is about putting their needs first. A true love and sense of sacrifice should lead the way here. 

Fatherhood is also about forgiving. Children need us to forgive their mistakes. They are so small and have much to learn. When they fail, discipline, but offer guidance. Show them an alternative path. Also, allow your children to fail. They need to learn this feeling well. Let them fail on their own accord. There are life lessons to be learned here. 

Men, don't worry so much about being strong. Retire old notions about being a man and being a dad. In your relationship, find your role and realize it will fluctuate based on the situation. At times, you will be called upon to lead and be firm, and at others you will need to follow and show some emotion. Embrace the ride. 

Fail forward. As a parent, you will make mistakes. When you do, learn from them. Be open to new ideas, even if the audience providing feedback is your children. To me, the parent/child relationship is a conversation with the goal of being full partners in the life of your kid(s). You will fail. They will fail. You will succeed. They will succeed. Both should forgive. 

Finally, show up. Be present. Love. These are of the utmost importance. Half of the battles in this world are won by showing up. The other half are claimed by being present. And In all that we do, love should be our guide. I know this to be true, because my parents often proclaim there is no love like the one you have for your children. I love my parents unconditionally, because they were there for me and they were present. As a child and a modern man, that's all I needed. 

Thanks for entering my world, 

-Nathan