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As part of the 15th Anniversary celebration for Natetheworld.com, I am hosting a 24-hour writing challenge. Starting in January 2024, readers began submitting essay prompts. My goal is to tackle as many of these prompts as possible in a 24-hour period.

I am a cinephile. As of this essay, I have watched 1,239 movies in a theater (yes, I keep count, and yes, it is profoundly nerdy). I began keeping count at the age of 16. I am now 41.

As much as I love the cinematic experience, there are some annoyances I cannot shake.

If you talk during the movies, I believe there is a special place in hell for you where you will be required to watch your most hated film for the rest of your life.

If you check your phone during the movie, I want you to know that I secretly pray for that thing to explode in your pocket, causing the most brutal of third-degree burns. As they graft new skin onto your hip, I hope the pain reminds you of your failures as a human being.

If you forget to turn off your iWatch or Google Watch or Fit Bit or whatever piece of electronic madness is adorning your wrist, I want to grab you by the face and scream, “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about the calories, since we will be sitting on our asses for the next two hours.” I then hope you run from the theater filled with all the shame you have brought upon your family name.

If you chew with your mouth open, I want to put a sock in it. Did I mention the sock was worn by a pig who has been playing in mud and their own feces for weeks? Well, you’ll know these new flavors soon enough.

If you are a verbal processor, you know someone who reacts to what they see on the screen by gasping aloud with whatever word pops in your mind. I want to turn around and say, “Hey Karen, this isn’t the living room of your mobile home. We don’t need your hot takes.”

Finally, we need to talk about popcorn. America, popcorn is gross. I know it is synonymous with the movies, but I can’t watch you bathe yourself in liquefied butter any longer. I can’t watch you haphazardly walk to the theater spilling kernels as you go, without any regard for those who must clean up your laziness. I can’t listen to you chomp your way through a two-hour film. I can’t sit next to you as you breathe out the newly formed superfund site that has moved into your mouth. I can’t bear the mess you make in theaters. I can’t stand the mass sharing of the bucket, like homeless people gathered around a burning trashcan seeking warmth. I can’t watch you waddle back to the lobby for the free refill, only to repeat my own personal hell again.

I can’t do it anymore, but I know I am in the minority here. I see you all taking your seats, because I arrived thirty minutes early to claim the aisle. I know I will not change your mind. So, please popcorn with caution and turn off your damn phone.

Be good to each other,

Nathan